Soon after my arrival I realized the first weakness of Vietnam - motorbikes!

Being in Vietnam without riding the motorbike (moped) is like visiting France without eating frog legs. You cannot fully comprehense the way of living as it is rooted so deeply in the culture of the country. While cars are vehicles of isolation, motorbikes create that kind of warmness between each other when standing at the traffic light or pathing your ways on the pedestrian way. It looks like ants, when hundreds of motorbikes move into all directions.

More than 16 million motorbikes (for about 80 million Vietnamese) account for nearly 96 per cent of all local means of transportation in Vietnam. In fact, I have seen almost everything being transported by motorbikes, including: Refrigerators, ice-blocks, about 6 pigs, dogs, cupboards, fishes and so on.

Please see the following picture to get an idea what Mr.Fabulous is talking about:

There is just one problem! DEATH! The death rate in Vietnam is exceptionally high (one of the highest in the world) weakening the population. Mr. Fabulous new what to do...

In fact I chose strategy I had often successfuly used before - enlightening the people!
My plan was to do this by introducing the seven commandments for riding the motorbike. In a cloak-and-dagger operation I replaced hundreds of signs around Ho Chi Minh City with posters, introducing the 7 commandments!

The following picture shows one of the installed outdoor posters:

The commandments were as follows:

1. Beware the flow!
Occasionally, especially at night time, drivers sometimes enter some state of flow when riding the motorbike. Symptoms are feeling immortal, driving slalom between the other motorbikes. Lights at the roadside are melting into surreal pictures and your mind is fading. In fact, some people have reported that driving Saigon late at night is the closest you can get to freedom in your life!

2. Make use of human shields!
When turning left at an intersection, other vehicles will always come from the front. A good option is to position yourself right next to another motorbike having the same intention but staying a bit behind, so that the other acts like a human shield. However, be aware that sometimes others will use you, too.

3. Don’t pay attention!
It is very important not to show other people that you are attentive. Otherwise people get confused and don’t know what you are doing next. Without paying attention, e.g. when turning off to the right, people will take care not to rush into you in order to avoid sratches on their vehicles.

4. Take the shortest way!
Vietnamese always take the shortest way, no matter if it is therefore necessary to drive the wrong way in a one-way road or circle or on the pedestrian way. Always pay attention to all directions (including overhead and beneath).

5. Respect authority!The following hierarchy of vehicles on the streets must be strictly adhered to (beginning with the highest):
- Trucks
- Buses
- Taxis
- Other cars
- Motorbikes
- Mopeds
- Bicycles
- Pedestrians
The smallest mistake will result in immediate death!

6. Imitate foreigners!
Foreigners enjoy immunity among police men, e.g. when driving without drivers license or drunk. Therefore Vietnamese should be advised to pretend being a foreigner. This implicates wearing a "Good Morning Vietnam" or "Same Same but Different" t-shirt (ideally with a pillow beneath), shorts and Birkenstock.

7. Love your Moto!
A recent, empirical study has confirmed that motorbikes actually have a soul! Therefore much attention must be paid to care about it, e.g. taking it out for dinner.

Beside introducing the commandments I also forced people to wear helmets. The result can be seen in the following picture:

What can I say? As expected the operation was a remarkable success! The death rate even decreased below zero. You may ask how this is possible?! The reason is simple:

After introducing my commandments, driving motorbike in Vietnam became so safe that Vietnamese even began making love and giving birth while riding the moto. Obvious, isn't it?

Please be patient till the next entry! It will be posted soon!

Yours,
Mr. Fabulous